AITAH for not treating my niece/biodaughter more like one of my kids?

Parenting is never simple, but things can get even more complicated when family and biology intersect. A man turned to Reddit for advice after a delicate situation arose with his niece—who also happens to be his biological daughter.

Here’s the background: The OP (original poster) donated sperm to his sister and her wife so they could have a child together. His niece, Ava, is biologically his daughter, though legally and practically, her moms have always been her parents.

Recently, Ava was told about her biological connection to OP, and since then, she’s been spending a lot more time at his house—so much that it’s begun to disrupt his family’s routine.

‘ AITAH for not treating my niece/biodaughter more like one of my kids?’

I have a niece (Ava) who is also my bio daughter as I am her sperm donor. She is the daughter of my sister and her wife (her wife’s the bio mother as well). They obviously could not have children together. They decided to tell Ava about it a few months ago.

Originally the plan was to have Ava know from the beginning, but they changed their mind. That’s a whole other story though. Anyway since Ava has found she’s started coming over to our house everyday. It used to be just after school everyday, but now that summer break has started she is here from early in the morning too.

Now my niece is great and all, but having a guest over everyday was a little much for me. I talked to my wife about it. She admitted she also wasn’t happy about having a guest everyday either, but hadn’t said anything because she didn’t think it was her place to interfere given the situation. I told her that I understood and we agreed to talk to our kids about them inviting her over less.

However, when we talked to them we found out that they were not inviting her over. We had assumed they were since the the three were always together. They’ve explained it to us that she just started following them home after school one day. They’ve also said that they don’t like having her over so much either.

They don’t mind her over sometimes, but they don’t want a guest over all the time either. They also said with her always around they feel like they can’t go out and do things with their friends or invite them over.

So after we talked it through we agreed we would all be more comfortable with her coming over more like once every other week. Which I will add is still a lot more than she previously used to come over. Previously we would only see her on holidays.

I talked to my sister about it and she says I’m wrong for wanting a to push Ava out and calling her a guest. She’s says that’s she’s figuring out things and wants to spent more time with her bio siblings.

Furthermore she said her daughter was crushed that we are going on a big family vacation next month and hadn’t invited her yet. Another thing that has bothered her according to my sister is that we gave her the same birthday gift as we usually do (a $50 gift card) like nothing has changed.

Overall my sister thinks I should be treating her more like how I treat my kids now. Obviously this is a delicate situation and we want to treat it as such, but we do think it’s fair to have some firm boundaries.

Edit: Just so everyone knows the donation was done through a clinic and there is paperwork saying it was a donation and I am not the legal parent of any child that was created through the donation.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

arkilljoy −  How old is Ava? She expects things to change, not realising that you and your wife already knew and treated her no different. She sounds young and might need therapy soon.

NTA. This is a tricky situation, but it’s better to have an open conversation now and set boundaries before she develops more expectations.

jacksonlove3 −  Ava needs therapy and to realize that she is your sister and wife’s child, not yours. Yes she’s your biological child but as a sperm donor, but she’s your sister and her wife’s daughter-not yours and your wife’s.

She is biologically your children’s sibling but in a family dynamic as a whole she should be their cousin. And that’s clearly very confusing for Ava in where she’s fits into this whole family dynamic!! This is why most people don’t use a close family relative as a sperm or egg donor. It’s the kid that suffers the most

Agoraphobe961 −  NTA. You need to sit your sister and niece down to explain the family dynamics. You are her donor, not her dad and that needs to be clarified. Your sister sucks for changing the plan afterwards

NewspaperEfficient61 −  This child will need therapy, jfc.

HandmadeEgo −  Would she expect a random sperm donor to treat her like his own daughter? Don’t think so.
Your sister needs a reality check and to take responsibility for her child. And if she’s offended by you not taking HER daughter to a family trip, she needs therapy. NTA!

Bauslit −  And this ladies and gentlemen is why you don’t use close family as a donor. The child suffers the most. She is not your daughter, your sister and partner need to step up and take her to therapy. Based on your sister’s response they probably encouraging her.

vanessa8172 −  I saw a post on here yesterday about some guy’s sister being mad cause he wouldn’t be the donor for her and her wife (who happened to be his ex). This outcome is a good reason why that guy said no. Nta but yikes is this a messed up situation

JKristiina −  NTA. ”Like nothing has changed” – nothing has changed from your perspective! You agreed to be a spermdonor, not a dad. That hasn’t changed. Clearly your sister and her wife messed up the telling, since Ava now expects you to be her dad. Your sister seems to be of the same mind. You need to talk again with your sister, and tell her that nothing has changed. You’re still only the spermdonor!

SnowQueen911 −  NTA. I’d sit down with your sister and sister in law, bring all your legal documentation outlining your responsibilities, and let them know nothing has changed. You are just her sperm donor but they are her parents. She needs therapy to work through these feelings. I’d also think about telling your children in case they don’t already know.

She’s young and bound to be hurt and feel rejected by this and may lash out. That’s news that should come from you and your wife. She is still your niece and you love her but she is not your child. Good luck with this situation and hopefully update if a resolution happens.

[Reddit User] −  INFO: Is your sperm donor agreement (parental and financial responsibility) thoroughly documented and notarized? I would be worried about being sued for child support or something based on what your sister is doing.

This is an incredibly delicate situation, and OP seems to be doing his best to balance his niece’s needs with his own family’s well-being. While setting boundaries is essential, it’s also important to approach Ava’s feelings with empathy and care as she processes her identity and place in the family.

What do you think? Should OP open his home and family dynamic more to Ava, or is it fair to set firm boundaries? Share your thoughts below!